Thirty Days ‘Til the Beginning

There’s thirty days left until day one. I have a lot of expectations for myself and I have thirty days left to figure out how to fulfill them. To be honest, I feel wholly unprepared. I’ve watched countless YouTube videos, read hundreds of blogs and forum threads. All of these things have not eased my fears.

Fear. I would not say that I am afraid of going to South Korea, no. I’m afraid of going to Korea and not becoming the person I feel that I’m supposed to. I’m afraid that the same things that have held me back at home will hold me back even more there– my fears of interacting with new people daily, of leaving familiar places, of being open and uninhibited.

Expectations. Can I honestly expect myself to become a new person in Korea? Can Adriana become 안나 in a few weeks? I feel that to make the most of this experience I have to shed the things about myself that I feel will limit it. Things that I had grown to admire about myself have become obstacles to  get over. I want to lose my soft-spoken self. I want to lose the me that’s always inside my own head. The me that plays it safe has got to go. I want to become a different person.

Self. But that’s where it gets interesting. Should I be afraid of losing a self that was never fully realized in the first place? I should be excited to be embarking on this trip that will lead me to me. It seems a confusing string of ideas. I’m thinking about it too much. I’ll end up in a cycle.

The fear that the expectations to find a clearly defined self are too high. 

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